.::Believe In Fate::.

yes...believe in fate...i've seen it in action since i started ite...yeah...

first thing that happened to me...the fate of meeting aproman...
we actually took the first glance at each other during december 2003 at my uncle's wedding...i was ignoring him...he was intrigued by my guitar playing (yeah right) when i was playing the guitar during the wedding...from there we parted our ways...he got to know meow...and when july arrives...the beginning of ite...during the first live band meeting...our paths crossed...i met him now face to face and more formerly...i didn't remember him...but somehow someway...he remembered me...believe me if this is not fate...then i don't know what to say...since then...aproman and i have been brothers and will continue to be brothers until death...no reason for us to split our ways...and it's for the survival of Obscure Phionix...and he's one of the founders of the band and the guitarist of Obscure Phionix...

second thing...the fate of seeing my cousin again...
in the occurance of meeting aproman...and because of him, i crossed paths with meow again...my cousin...yeah...we've met...but we never had anything to talk about in the past...not until we met again when we jammed...we started to exchange our views about music and life in my father's side of the family...we started to open up to each other since then...we (as a band) decided to pull her in as our vocalist...and the is now...the vocalist of Obscure Phionix...

third...the fate of having evil man as our drummer and best friend...
when the old band was about to go jamming for the second time...aproman was approached by evil man (don't confuse both of them)...of course we needed a drummer desperately and we didn't have anyone to pull in...somehow...evil man was reading aproman's mind that we wanted to go jamming...aproman invited him...and he was great...one of the best drummers i've ever seen...damn...from there we pulled him in...slowly and steadily...he became my close friend and brother...and the drummer of Obscure Phionix...

fourth...the fated bond of Obscure Phionix...
we faced disaster this last december...those who know will get what i mean...the former Zero.One broke up...but the strength of the fated string of aproman, meow, evil man and me became harder to break...we stuck with each other...then we were without a bassist...we turned into a four-piece...two guitars, two vocalists and a drummer...no bass...that sucked...our fated bond keeps us together for this long...

fifth...the fate of having our prayers answered, dang arrives...
we all were praying for a new bassist in such short notice...and our prayers were answered...dang came into the picture...the hiphop rapping dude known to us as dang...i salute you brother...having learned seven songs in 2 short weeks...i salute you...he came into the picture and soonafter Obscure Phionix came to be...he, dang, the bassist of Obscure Phionix...

sixth...the fate of feeling i know someone though i haven't met that person before...
i'll just call this person "c"...i met c at a mass chatting web...we said the same words and like the same things...we're both extremely sarcastic and extremely hyper (believe me i am though i don't seem like it)...it seems i can read c's thoughts and c can read mine...call it spooky, call it creepy or call it freaky...we're all freaks of nature...c and i somehow became good friends in one day...in 4 hours...and having a friend like c makes my life more complete and secure...seems i like don't have to carry that much burden when c is around...

six fates in six months...it all depends on if you all believe in fate...i believe in it...and c does...everyone meets some other for a reason...good or bad...

girl. i think i'm fading away.

GORE.9:02 AM

.::Great Day::.

GREAT DAY!

ok...fine...this is one day nothing went wrong...everything went smoothly...yeah...smoothly...well...nice day...great day...lalala...got an avenged sevenfold t-shirt! yeah! waited for that for like...2 months...damn...haha...well...more news...getting a new guitar soon! new guitar, new guitar, new guitar, new guitar...

oyasumi nasai girl

GORE.9:48 PM

.::In Two It Dies::.

hard to say...in two it dies...there it goes...my new catch phrase...in two it dies...haha...futatsu ni hitotsu no daisuu...

i'm getting tired of life...getting bored...but at least there's people that make it lighter...people like...my cousins: shahirman, yaqin, iman, nasrool, nasrin, shafik, aishah, latiff...my classmates: nizam, deen, vishnu, jj, serene, shazarul, galah (khair), ariz, zarie, sazali, dzul, dina, nadya, fadillah, azura, mardiah...Obscure Phionix: aproman (sudarman), meow (sha), evil man (yazid), dang (hafiz)...good friends: danny, nurul jannah...but sure...there are more than that...my old schoolmates from hks...my current schoolmates...erm...just want to thank you all for being there with me...through life...

hmmm...

IN TWO IT DIES

goodnight girl.

GORE.8:46 PM

.::I'm Microsoft Certified::.

this is the moment i've been waiting for. to get an OFFICIAL Microsoft certificate...yeah...so what...i'ts only for the boot camp where i slept for like 30 mins...it's damn tiring...9 to 5...shit...oh well...not as if i care anyway...

more news...
evil man (yazid) met with an accident today...when apro (sudarman) told me i was like, "hah?! ahhhhhhh!", you know...that kind of reaction...evil man has a deep cut on his arm and abbrasion on his legs...dude, we of Obscure Phionix are behind you...hope you get well soon bro...

well...that's it for today...yeah...hm...yeah done...hmmm...

girl, i'm not giving up.

GORE.11:56 PM

.::Obscure Phionix Is Born::.

yesterday's jamming...really great...started on clairvoyant disease...doing great...finished say it if you mean it...power! finally...dang (hafiz) bro, thanks for learning our songs so fast...i applaud you...

the band...has a new line up...hide, aproman, meow, evil man and dang...has a new name...
OBSCURE PHIONIX...

if some of you are wondering...what the hell is Phionix? well...it's a mixture of Phi, Sion and Phoenix...find out the meaning of Phi and Sion yourself, cause if i say it then it'll get really confusing...but it's interesting...for Phoenix...why? a phoenix represents life and since we are rekindling a new life...a phoenix is a good mythological creature to be represented with us...

erm...not much to say about me cause i'm really psyched out for the band...hmm...still waiting for jamming time with Amethyst though...err...don't ask...

girl i want you. but still, i can't have you.

GORE.4:30 PM

.::Only One::.

one song can describe how i feel now...i guess...you guys know this song...Only One by Yellowcard...

ONLY ONE
broken this fragile thing now
and i can't, i can't pick up the pieces
and i've thrown my words all around
but i can't, i can't give you a reason

i feel so broken out (so broken out)
and i give up (i give up)
i just want to tell you so you know

here i go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
you are my only one
i let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do
you are my only, my only one

made mistakes, let you down
and i can't, i can't hold on for to long
ran my whole life in the ground
and i can't, i can't get up when you're gone

and something's breaking up (breaking up)
i feel like giving up (giving up)
i won't walk out until you know

here i go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
you are my only one
i let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do
you are my only, my only one

here i go, so dishonestly
leave a note, for you my only one
and i know you can see right through me
so let me go and you will fine someone

here i go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
you are my only one
i let go, there's just no one, no one like you
you are my only, my only one
my only one
my only one
my only one
you are my only, my only one

hmm...guess so...or not...well i received this call from someone i knew...but thought about a different person...haiz...

girl. you are my only one. i'll be waiting.

GORE.9:15 PM

.::HKS Speech Day Audits::.

hm...first thing i got was a damn speech about last year's o'level cert taking from damned cheen...so what if the reputation of the school gone? hah? hks sucks anyway...haha...hate hks...

auditions sucked...when it was our turn, the mic suddenly went soft...but during the others! woooo...loud...shit asses...biased shit...well...not going to go deep into this cause it'll make me more mad...

here i am. scream my lungs out just to get to you. you are my only one.

GORE.10:24 PM

.::No More Pain::.

all i am...all i've been through...is hell. yes. whatever. if you guys think yours is hell...then step into mine...it'll be directly at the core of hell...don't judge me by my looks...judge me for what i've done for you. what i've sacrificed for you...all of it...i've wasted enough time doing this...i'll stop...seriously...i'll stop...

see you girl.

GORE.10:37 PM

.::Lost Of Breath::.

no. don't worry. i'm not sick. i'm just fuck damn tired. excuse my language, i'm used to it. here's my past schedule:

friday, 6.30pm til late - jamming, with the main band
today, 1pm til 6 - jamming, practice for auditions for hks speech day

damn. tired. two days jamming. non-stop practising. it's getting to my fingers. oh. my 5th string broke. yippee. well. i have to change the string sooner or later cause the 1st, 2nd and 3rd strings are getting rusty. but still working great though.

congrats to hafiz. you're in the band dude! we hope you like it in here with us. we appreciate it. i speak for the whole band when i say that. off to bigger things we go! oh. still have to name the band though. hmm. (thoughts of names running through my head.)

voices inside my head don't stop talking. i need you whoever you are. haha!

i see you in my dreams. but in reality. i'm nothing but a maniacal dreamer.
everytime i get to converse with you, i feel great. but too bad i'm dying.
so, not seeing me anymore is not a problem. goodnight.

GORE.11:03 PM

.::Hateru::.

hateru...this is what i'm thinking of...hateru...to die...death...dead...instead i should say kurasu...kurasu...to live...life...alive...hmmm...japanese words are confusing me...but who cares...exactly...NO ONE...no one cares...i want to blow this shit off...i want all of this to end...but no one's doing anything except for me...everyone is full of crap words but no actions...until when the hell are you guys going to be stuck in this fucked up situation...an epic of time wasted...all this bullshit sickens me...ok, someone tell me how many fucking times i said that...cause even i don't remember...so many words inside my head...so many war plans...so much rage...hello? ok, i guess no one's listening to my crap anymore...forget it...i've got nothing to say to anyone of you out there...

Karasu (japanese for raven)
midnight glory,
midnight sky,
the dark clouds pass overhead me,
and rain fall to my face,
clear the way,
as the full moon beams it's light on me,
i wait for the call of rage deep inside me,
as the black blood flows throughout my veins,
in the darkness it overwhelms me,
i call the fallen ones to rise tonight,
dark souls come to me and give me strength,
karasu, i call for your might,
am i not able to win this war?
am i not able to see the light?
no, i belong to the darkness,
as i hold my tears,
my suffering and torment returning as fears,
no guidance, i show myself the way,
the only one that sees the world in a different way,
kill me if you will,
but nothing can stop my rage,
someone hold me tonight,
cause i fear the pain,
darkness overwhelm me!
karasu, come for me!
carry me on your back,
your wings flap with grace,
bring me to the moon,
where the true beauty lies,
and nothing exists...

hmm...the darkness seems to be my source of life...well...now you know i'm all about darkness...

do i care for her? yes. does she see it? no.
i am ignored. i am nothing.

GORE.10:33 PM

.::Am I Weak?::.

...i am tired of being weak...i have such rage that i could scream all the stars right out the sky...maybe destroy the prettiest starry night...as you all can see from my previous posts or whatever...my rage is getting out of control...my fist just wants to hit something so hard...it's sad, you see...i have no choice but to keep everything inside...unlike most of you who can voice yourselves out...don't be surprised if one day i have an internal sickness because of this...it's like i can see it coming...i'm at war...at war with myself...at war with my enemies...and at war with my emotions...

true friends...sorry if i hurt anyone of you during this uncertain period of time...i can't control my damned rage...

is there anyone out there except for you? girl i'm in need of you.

GORE.10:04 PM

.::Live, Love, Burn, Die::.

...living through the pain of life...i fear it...and for what is making me do...the more pain i get, the darker i become...why, you say, do i fear it? cause i do not want to hurt my loved ones...even those i barely know through msn...i do not want to hurt any of you...my current enemies are making me mad...insane at times...worse than the sec 3-4 times...worse than i ever felt before...i would rather kill them than falling to my death...fuck 'em...bitches...asses...MOTHER FUCKERS...leave me alone...leave me be...or i will have to force my way through...

...love...is there such a word? it seems that everytime i try to love, it breaks me down instead...even if i do have feeling for someone now...she's not going to see it...everyone ignores me...so what...at least i have my own self...of all words, "understanding" is not what everyone can associate me with...what i say won't move them at all...

...death awaits me...i don't know how long i'll be alive, Allah controls that...what i can do is make best of everything...i may be dead tomorrow, or the next day...you may not see me today, or ever...but it's when i die that everyone will remember the good i've done...it's when everyone will pay attention to me...and to me only...shall i die...you shall regret it...shall i live...you shall regret it...anyway it is...regret is what you will face...not many understand me...not many know how i am...not many have seen me beat a guy to a pulp...but many will see me unhappy...see everyone? i am unhappy...those who can make me happy for a moment...help me through my pain...please...i'm begging all those who can...

Allah help me out of the pain of suffering and torment...help me out of my problems...help my family...help my true friends...

girl, if you know who you are. i'll be waiting. good night.

GORE.7:55 PM

.::Help Me Go Through My Pain::.

...why do people love torturing me so much? why do they love to see me in pain? these are not blessings in disguise...these are not my cup of tea...even those i care for is giving me pain...you people want to see my darker side? you people want to see the more evil side of the gemini? bring it...if ALL of you and i mean ALL...know about my history...you'll know how i am...all the things i've gone through, is nothing but hell...hell...it's my problem if i want to curse and swear, it's my nature...it's my problem if i'm sarcastic, it's me...myself...that's the way i am...you don't like it? that's your problem...people = shit...hell, maybe that's where i belong...the reaper has come for me...

it's been a long time since i cried...today is the moment it came...being strong for me is not easy...Allah help me...

voices inside my head...keep talking...you're all i have right now...

girl, i need you now more than ever. you're the only angel that can save me.
shall i die. do not forget me. shall i live. do not come to me. i might be the one hurting you.

GORE.7:31 PM

.::Music Nation 2005::.

it was GREAT! the gig! was cool! best one i've been to for so many years...all good...i came since debb from Munchies at 9 personally invited me...yeah...all cool...all great...

well, first off, Ronin was awesome! i just went "whoa" through the whole thing...the energy that band had reminded me of Sum 41's concert in tokyo apro passed me...

then, A Vacant Affair, their performance...they had problems with the cables...always got pulled out from their guitars...but all good...that was the part everyone stood up and moshed! mosh! mosh! mosh!

next band, Munchies at 9, debb's band...seems like she didn't realise i was there...haha...but ok...their performance was way beyond good! off the hook, fellas! off the hook! damn...lots of screaming...haha...i'm still thinking about their performance...MUNCHIES, YOU GUYS ROCK!

then came, No Direction, i heard them play a riff from unholy confessions and i was like, "OEI!"...but nevermind...in the underground scene...a7x getting more popular...well...their performance...lots of gore! gore! gore! i wish i could have a gore voice like them...well...

can i think about anything else other than her? why am i thinking about her?

GORE.10:56 PM

.::Workshop By Tribalstudioz::.

this is cool...Tribalstudioz...made by ex-ITE students...came in to give some chosen ones a workshop...haha...the first class was, wow, refreshing...make our minds think and make us play games at the same time...power...haha...i'll tell all of you more as time goes by...

you, stop pestering our band, we don't want to hear from you again...get away from us, don't even try to look at us...my patience in running thin...don't make me do things i don't want to do...i've given in to too many things before...never will i go this far...fuck off you fuckin' fuck...

GORE.11:57 AM

.::Melting Point Of Wax::.

i'm not worried about things like suicide or betrayal anymore...i'm going forward to my own dreams...my own success...nothing is going to sway me anymore...nothing will make me break down like i did this past months...i have my band, i have my friends, i have my cousins and i have myself...no one can dig me out of my own problems other than myself...but it won't be safe for me to do things on my own, i know...i've gone through what people haven't...and that's more than enough for me to learn from my own mistakes...

so goes the song...

MELTING POINT OF WAX
i've waited for this moment
all my life and more
and now i see so clearly
what i could not see before
the time is now or never
and this chance won't come again
throw caution and myself into the wind
there's no promise of safety
with these secondhand wings
but i'm willing to find out
what impossible means
a leap of faith
parody of an angel
miles above the sea
i hear the voice of reason
screaming after me
you flew far to high for
now you're too close to the sun
soon your makeshift wings will come undone
but how will i know
limits from lies
if i never try
there's no promise of safety
with these secondhand wings
but i'm willing to find out
what impossible means
i climb through the heavens
on feathers and dreams
cause the melting point of wax
means nothing to me
nothing to me
nothing to me
i will touch the sun
or i will die trying
die trying
fly on these secondhand wings
i'm willing to find out
what impossible means
i climb though the heavens
on feathers and dreams
cause the melting point of wax
means nothing to me
nothing to me
it means nothing to me
miles above the sea...

i'll die trying!

do i love her? or is it just my mind?

GORE.7:02 PM

.::Fun With Shuqunites::.

...9pm now and i kinda got back at around 8.30...haha...today was damn fun...i called danny and asked if he was free since i went home early and my mom's at home...and to kill two birds with one stone, i had to topup my concession for my ez-link...haha...

so...danny wanted to buy some shirt at far east plaza...invited me along...so might as well...to MY surprise nurul (nurul j.) called when we were at clementi or something...just our luck...one more shuqunite that want to follow that daniod to far east...it was fun though...hah...the three shuqun primary friends reunite!

it was great...we went to get danny's shirt first then danny got a bag...the same kind of bag that i was planning to buy...well, nevermind...i'm a poor fuck anyway...have to save my money for other important stuff...danny had this curfew...he had to get back by 6.45pm or his beloved phone will get confiscated...by his dad...haha...pity him...

after which, nurul and i headed towards teck whye (where my second home is located): her teck whye somewhere somewhere somewhere, me phoenix...we were talking about all the shuqunites and who is still in contact with who...and we're planning on having a gathering-cum-barbeque for all our old shuqunites...well, i can't forget them since i've known most of them for like 12 years, like danny and nurul...haha...

danny and nurul: it was fun guys...was expecting something like this to happen soon...danny take care of your bills! and nurul, "belanja" us if you got the money...nyahahahaha...nah, just kidding...even you are low in the financial department...take care both of you...see you soon...maybe on saturday, nurul? i would like to show you how going to a gig will feel like...

GIGS REMINDER!

Date: 5th February 2005
Where: Republic Poly Annex Hall
Time: 2pm till latePrice: $4 at door (hey! it's cheap!)

Bands Performing: Munchies at 9, Dyna Turmoil, A Vacant Affair, Ceramic Circle, No Direction, Set For Glory, One-Eighty, Hamartia, Ronin, Ars Nova

those who know me! please contact me if you want to go...we go as a group and MOSH as a group! hahaha!!

GORE.8:47 PM

.::Suicidal Remarks::.

...now in IWAD class...not concentrating...i've got too much to think of...well, at least i can do what the teacher is saying...

first thing: ...my close friend...have too many problems to face...she's now not doing so good...thoughts of suicidal is in her...i have to help her out...i can't just leave her to be...to you my friend; i'm always here if you need me...and i'll always be around...have faith in yourself and believe what you are doing is right...no matter what the circumstance, no matter the hardships, no matter what will come by in the near future...i'll be here waiting for your call of help...may Allah bless you and help you throughout all your troubles...

second thing: ...my family...seems like it's breaking apart...sha and i think that this is so...so many internal problems, so many internal conflicts between blood ties...between brothers and sisters...all i have is the support of all my cousins and all they got is the support from me...only we understand what is going on and only we can figure this out...

third thing: ...my hatred for him has risen to a higher level...may Allah help me from breaking apart...breaking down..............................................

god help me, i'm so tired
but in my dreams the wolves eat out my soul,
god help me, i'm so frightened,
but in my dreams the wolves tear out my heart....

hope has left me fucking shattered,
someone's standing on my chest,
alone would be a pleasant change from here,
how do you gauge loneliness how you ever felt so alone,
it feels like the light will never reach me here,
i am choking back my longing for shed tears,
so strangulated by my lonesome fears plead, don't worry too much,
it only hurts when I breathe...

don't acknowledge right, just dwell on wrong,
this spot in hell's where i belong,
i've come so far, it's been so long,
don't know why it started or where it came from...

there's no promise of safety,
with these secondhand wings,
but i'm willing to find out,
what impossible means,
a leap of faith,
i will touch the sun,
or i will try dying,
die trying,
fly on these secondhand wings,
i'm willing to find out,
what impossible means,
i climb through the heavens,
on feathers and dreams,
'cause the melting point of wax,
means nothing to me,
nothing to me,
it means nothing to me,
miles above the sea...

there's nowhere to run and hide,
when i'm living to die,
stuck alone inside my head,
better off dead...

but in my life, i wanted more,
i needed more,
i taste more...

may i die trying...
(compilation of various songs)

GORE.11:05 AM