*Never Blog, Never Know

ok, it's been so long since i posted something. hah. been busy as you see.

21st December. had jamming at school for the upcoming gig. we're all excited for it. and thanks to Faizal for being there.

23rd December. performance at Dover ITE. our friends, Mulysa, was there too and we didn't know it. haha. it was great though my amp can't be heard. sucks doesn't it. hah. thanks to all, especially the organisers and Faizal who took our pictures.

24th December, Christmas Eve. met up with my best friend, Diyanah, after 2 or 3 years i guess. it's been too long. on that day and on the 25th, my handphone screwed up big time. my messages were received late, which sucked.

haven't met Freakinly Mine for the about a week or so. i miss her so. and her handphone's out of order so i can't call her up. and i'm miserable. argh, damn. got to get over this.

ok, now, i don't know when the next performance for Obscure Phionix is but i'll update you all soon.

til here.

Freakinly Mine, i love you.

insanely yours,
Qhai

until the end.

Cry alone I've gone away,
No more nights,
No more pain,
I've gone alone,
Took all my strength,
I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight,
Sorrow sank deep inside my blood,
All the ones around me I cared for and loved,
Building up inside of me,
A place so dark,
So cold,
I had to set me free,
Don't mourn for me,
You're not the one to place the blame,
As bottles called my name,
I won't see you tonight,
Sorrow sank deep inside my blood,
All the ones around me I cared for and most of all I loved,
But I can't see myself that way,
Please don't forget me,
Or cry when I'm away...

GORE.1:15 PM

*All In The Sense Of Rage And Hatred

here i am. at the fucking place i call a hell-hole. school. yeah. the place where i used to find courage, hope and happiness. now it's giving me betrayal, numbness and haplessness. forgive me, i'm not in the best of moods. now i don't expect you all to read this ass-fucked entry.

IF YOU DECIDE TO READ IT, I DON'T FUCKING CARE HOW YOU FEEL AFTERWARDS. IT'S YOUR LIFE. I'M NOT PART OF IT. REMEMBER I POSTED THIS IN THE EMOTION OF RAGE AND HATRED. IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME AFTERWARDS, GO AHEAD. NO ONE'S STOPPING YOU.

this is the zenith of rage. other than my family, Freakinly Mine, Obscure Phionix, the OPX Chapter, the Klaz Offspring, the Live Band people whom i'm always with, my brothers and sisters who've known me for more than 5 years and my outside friends. i'm going to make everyone my enemy. you fuckers could say your ass goodbye to presence, to my friendship and to me.

no more classmates shit, no more happy face in school. i'm sick of it. i'm sick off all this crap. project-wise, go ahead and talk to me. other than that, i'd say fuck off.

why all of this? long story, i'd rather not fucking say it. you got a problem with that? i've been through this shit before and i survived. i will survive it again. if you think i'm not making sense at all, think of it. for yourself.

i'm back to becoming a hermit and loner. so stay the fuck away. all this anger that have built up inside of me for all of these fucking years are coming out.

yesterday, OPX had jamming at school. we confirmed that we will play on the 23rd December at school. 5 songs. about 30 minutes i guess.

now leave me be. i say again. i'm not in the best of moods.

Freakinly Mine, i love you.

insanely yours in all the fucking rage,
Qhai

no more shit.

Sudden implosion of silenced emotions,
Buried beneath a scarred heart for too long,
Delusions of hope fading away,
Dying like leaves on frozen soil,
My apocalypse is near,
I can feel the end coming here,
Neglecting existence repulse and repent,
An endless journey into the morbid,
Whispering voices distorting all senses,
Buried beneath a scarred heart for too long,
The bitter taste of a dying dream,
Shine the light on our shadows and illusions...

Suatu ketika dahulu,
Ku tersesat dalam hidup,
Sehingga muncul menjelma,
Rasa sayang kepadamu,
Rupanya inilah cinta,
Nikmatnya baru kurasa,
Tak terbayang bagaimana,
Hidup jika kau tiada,
Tak kukenal cinta,
Sebelum kau hadir,
Takku tau erti rindu,
Kini doaku termakbul,
Ku tagih cintamu selalu,
Walau ramai kukenali,
Tiada seiklasmu kasih,
Kalau sayang kau kucinta,
Hanya nyawa akan bisa memisahkan kita...

<3

GORE.9:14 AM

*41st Birthday Of Mastumoto Hideto

dearest fans of X-Japan. today, 13th December, is the 41st birthday of hide. my hero and idol, hide has been resting in peace for about 6 years or so. his death, 3rd May 1998. news said he committed suicide but i think otherwise. so...a moment of silence.

ok, now let's get on with my life. saturday was a great day. went out with Freakinly Mine. bumped into Man and Sha. Sha's hair is still red from First Step. hahah. i'm still smiling about First Step. great gigs go a long way. and i heard from Man that they didn't mosh during our first two songs because the soundmen were adjusting our stuff when we were performing. hah. at least they moshed during our last song.

there. i'll update when i have things to update.

Freakinly Mine, i love you and i miss you.

insanely yours,
Qhai

i love you unconditionally.

Open your eyes,
Open your eyes...

GORE.9:16 AM

*The Aftermath Of First Step

hell yeah. First Step was great! though we only get to play 3 songs from our original planned 4. well, it's ok. the greatest part was the crowd. they moshed to our music. i guess Sha's vocals astounded them. Jen, Is, Lilo and Shahmi were there. although Shahmi came late, it's still great to see him. so i'd like to thank the organisers, all the people at Lee Kwong Seng Music Studio, and those who supported us during our gig. thanks all! Obscure Phionix will be looking forward to our next gig.

so, up next. life seem a little boring now. hah. nothing to do, nowhere to go. cousins! call me up.

i'm seriously looking forward to the next gig. i wonder what will happen. i'm going to practice harder, to get better and learn more scaling exercises.

meeting Freakinly Mine tomorrow, it's been about 2 weeks. sayang, i'll get you the chocolates i promised. i love you.

so until here.

insanely yours,
Qhai

smiles.

Every memory of looking out the back door,
I have the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor,
It's hard to say,
It's time to say it,
Goodbye, goodbye...

GORE.5:32 PM

*2005.12.06, Tuesday

tuesday. december sixth. here i am blogging away. to those frequent readers, i'm sorry that i do not blog at much as before. now let's see, what is going on?

tomorrow is the seventh, Obscure Phionix will be performing at The Substation. i'm nervous. seriously, i'm shaking inside. we're prepared (i guess) since we jammed like hell yesterday. it was like we're possessed. hah. at the end of the day, we all were dead tired. i need to get some batteries for tomorrow, ten AA batteries. six for my effect board and four for my camera. i don't want both things to just stop working just like that. hah. pathetic it is as only two out of seven tickets sold.

OPX planned to have a "photoshoot" tomorrow before the gig. it's about time we took band pictures together. haha.

i'm thinking twice of this "friendship" thing. hah. i'm dead tired of betrayals, shit and the words "no", "i'm sorry" and "sorry i can't make it". and you ask why i didn't go for this and why i didn't go for that. fuck ass. i hate those kind of people. it's been so many times i planned to fucking go out with them and they either fucking postpone it or never fucking go. who the hell won't be fuck pissed? i'd rather hang out with my outside friends. while the others, i'll just swallow everything you throw at me, don't mind if i throw up blood in front of you in the process.

i live my life how i want to live it, no one can stop me.

i'm just happy having people like Freakinly Mine, Obscure Phionix, Faizal, Zarie and the rest of the people i call outside friends. i love you all.

a few words to end this post - i love you Freakinly Mine.

insanely yours,
Qhai

swallow every blasphemy.

I want you to know that,
I miss you, I miss you so,
I want you to know that,
I miss you, I miss you so...

You starve your children on neglect,
And feed their bellies with fear,
Concussion bat to the brain,
Witness to a battered mother,
Your abuse will end right here,
No longer will your family fear,
A gunshot to the head of trepidation,
My promise if you ever lay a finger...

GORE.1:45 PM